Past Reality Integration: 3 Steps to Mastering the Art of Conscious Living by Bosch Ingeborg

Author:Bosch, Ingeborg
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Hay House
Published: 2011-10-02T16:00:00+00:00

Marianna

How I couldn’t control myself and used to hit my son, even though I knew better… and what PRI has meant for me

The birth of my son Dave caused a huge crisis. Until then I thought I had it made: a good job, a nice husband, a nice house, etc.

Until then I had been able to organize everything as I wanted, but now Dave called for me at the most inconvenient moments and I ‘had’ to come to his rescue. In any other situation I would have been able to say no; in this case, however, that was impossible. His crying made my heart miss a beat. I developed a kind of panic reaction which meant I just had to comfort him. I had no more time for anything any more. Even the most basic things such as getting dressed and eating were impossible to do without interruption, without having to attend to Dave. For that is how it always felt: like I ‘had’ to. I was constantly torn between my needs and his.

When I was four months pregnant with my second child the strain was so great that I gave Dave a ‘smack’ for the first time. I write this in quotation marks because what we call smacking with regard to children would be called ‘hitting’ among adults, and of course that is exactly what it is. I had been angry with him before, but I managed to justify that to myself. I felt from the start, however, that hitting was wrong. I knew perfectly well that it was harmful to his emotional development and I could also see – unfortunately only after my anger had cooled – how bad it was for him.

In my search for a solution to my situation I read everything I could get my hands on about parenting, I took courses and fought against my impulse to hit him. After a while I conquered my embarrassment and plucked up the courage to mention it to a social worker. ‘You shouldn’t do that,’ was the reply. After that I really didn’t know where to turn. From conventional means to alternative assistance, parenting courses and Bach Flower remedies, nothing helped. And every day my husband returned home with the question: ‘How did it go?’ Most days to my great shame I had to admit that I had hit Dave at least once. Two times it went even further than ‘mere’ hitting. I can still vividly recall both times. Awful. That I actually did that. That I, who wanted so badly to be a loving mother, time and again became a sort of monster who had no control over her emotions and assaulted her own child whom she loved so much …

And then one day, my husband brought home Rediscovering the True Self. I read it, devoured it and knew: ‘This, this is what I can do.’ I immediately started applying the PRI principles. It soon became crystal clear that my anger was a defence mechanism that was taking me hostage, as it were.

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